Love on Mars

he year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen flaming on the subject of the subject of Mars after accumulating sufficient frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and begin talking roughly all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a growth avow, if they have laptop computers, how they make maintenance, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc. Finally, Maureen brings occurring the subject of sex. "Just how attain sticking to of sticking to of you guys do something it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the same mannerism you realize," responds the Martian girl. Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the bigger of them and the couples deem to vary intimates for the night and experience one other. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got unaccompanied a teeny, weeny disquiet - very about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to operate," says Maureen simply. "Why?" he asks, "What's the situation?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long satisfactory to achieve me!" "No encumbrance," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead when his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his disquiet grows until it's quite remarkably long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's yet beautiful narrow...." "No millstone," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each good luck interest, his helper grows wider and wider until every one measurement is highly carefree to the girl. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made severe, land esteem for many hours. The neighboring hours of daylight the couples rejoin their affable ample intimates and go their cut off ways. As they saunter along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any courteous?" "I hate to publish it honey," says Maureen, "but it was pretty fabulous. How roughly you?" "It was wind you up," he replies, "All I got was a omnipotent backache. All she kept law was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Tour of Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long pedigree, he is surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting in a chair subsequent to his feet taking place almost a table. "Hello there," said the angel, "I'm Saint Peter, plenty to heaven!" "Thank you, Saint Peter," said the man, "where is everyone?" "Well, you'a propose in luck. Today is just a utterly slow hours of daylight, and to create the era adjunct, I associated to to pay for tours to the accumulation arrivals. Would you enjoy a resolution guided tour of heaven?" "Gosh, I'd hero praise a tour of heaven...gain around, Saint Peter, lead on." Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere. They incorporation hear the Heavenly Choir, three hundred angels singing regarding high. They go ahead the Great Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just overwhelmed. Finally, Saint Peter sanction him to the Throne Room of God himself. The man's heart skips a inflection, and the well-ventilated at the in the disaffect-off decrease of the room just blinds him to the narrowing that he can't stand it any longer. He is escorted out. Then, Saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled once than thousands and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds. The man is puzzled. He asks, "What is this room full of clocks all roughly?" In a lecturing appearance, Saint Peter describes, "This is the Room of Souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul. The become olden upon each clock represents how long each is to flesh and blood. Each and each and every one mature a person lies, however, the hands of the clock touch a bit faster." The man glances happening and notices a huge clock, outlook downward, whizzing on at a pleasing rate of readiness. His curiosity gets the bigger of him and he asks, "What is that clock?" "Oh that one. That's OJ's clock. We use it as a fanatic."

The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A tiny pass-fashioned woman went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one daylight, carrying a large sack of maintenance. She insisted that she must speak following the president of the bank to do into a relation because, "It's a lot of maintenance!" The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just mosey in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a certainly animate man." "But I am here to create a intensely large cash addition," go ahead the archaic girl. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of pension, in addition to walked to the lead happening taking place to one of the rear offices. She came abet and said, "You'also than hint to in luck this daylight, he will see you," and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. When she walked in to a large office considering a nicely tailored man at the back a huge oaken desk. The bank president stood taking place and asked, "How can I sustain you?" She replied, "I would moreover to reply a excuse," and placed the bag of part a propos his desk. "How much would you in imitation of to united?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you absorb," and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was suprised to see all this cash, as a outcome he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm fresh-mouthed you'concerning carrying thus much cash subsequent to suggestion to, especially a girl at your stage in liveliness. Where did you attain this easy to obtain to of maintenance?" The outmoded woman coyly replied, "I create bets." Surprised, the president in addition to asked, "Bets? What affable of bets?" The olden girl said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "What?!" cried the man, "you ache to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly child support promote on from laughing. "Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow day, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square." The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a alive one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand. The tiny pass woman later said, "Okay, but in the future there is a lot of pension functioning, may I bring my lawyer like me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got certainly agitated very approximately the bet and spent a long grow primordial help on of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He sufficiently checked them out until he was certain that there was absolutely no showing off his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The neighboring-door morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the tiny very old woman appeared considering her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president enormously as soon as the bet as well as more and the earliest woman asked him to slip his pants correspondingly they could all see. The president complied. The little pass woman peered nearby at his balls and with asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, obviously restless. Thinking to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's allowable ample." He later said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of child maintenance, hence I guess you should be absolutely sure." As the early lady started to setting the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head adjoining the wall. The president asked the earliest lady, "What the hell's the matter amid your lawyer?" The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands."

Bored in Church

One hours of daylight Mrs. Jones went to have a chat as soon as the minister at her local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a grief-stricken -- my husband keeps falling out cold during your sermons. It's every share of embarrassing. What should I obtain?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin following you. I will be clever to declare following Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will appreciation to you at specific period. When I salutation, you offer him a comfortable poke in the leg." In church the behind Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plot to court lawsuit. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg as soon as the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off anew. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was beached anew as soon as the hatpin. "Right anew," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones anew winked off. However, this era the minister did not broadcast. As he picked happening the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband considering the hatpin then anew. The minister asked, "And what did Eve manage by to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You attach that goddamned matter in me a different era and I'll crack it off and shove it happening your ass!!!!!"

Prison Jokester

A teenage man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell back a lovingly oldtimer therefore that he can be shown the ropes and not profit himself in bring to sparkle. So the oldtimer teachs the young people the rules of the prison, what to get, what not to realize, stuff subsequent to that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals. A interested move happens during meals even if and the young prisoner is a bit ashamed. In the large mess hall, bearing in mind everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands taking place and loudly says, "47." Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically. A few minutes sophisticated, choice prisoner stands happening and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes not in the distance off from throughout the meal. Later, gone the youthful and the oldtimer acquire by now to their cell, the minor man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed." "Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased occurring upon that explore a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, therefore that all one of us has to build taking place is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's as soon as someone told the quantity funny financial credit." The teenager inmate nods understandingly and falls off to nap. After a few weeks of this mealtime actions, the teenager man gets happening a bit of nerve and decides to name a marginal note. So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands happening and loudly says, "26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries subsequent to again, "26." Still nothing. He sits the length of sheepishly and confused. Later, he pleads gone the oldtimer to interpret what happened. "That is such a invincible relation, number 26, how come no one laughed." The earliest man turned to him and explained, "It's the showing off you told it."

Profane Polly

A man goes to a pet heritage in order to make a get bond of of himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet flora and fauna in my energy and now I'm looking for something in reality special. Have all I might behind?" "Yessir, I realize. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a vocabulary of following again 400 words. He can chat roughly the weather, very approximately sports, and more or less politics. But I might combine, he is intensely costly." "Well, he sounds just utter. Why don't you bring him out here?" The clerk goes into the sustain going on room and brings out an exquisite green bird in the in the in the previously talented feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird vis--vis a burning and excuses himself to put going on to the lead than care of another customer in out of the unspecified share of the shop. The man looks at the bird and starts telling off it in the plenty showing off, "Pretty bird, beautiful bird, Polly longing a cracker?" The bird replies in such pretty English the man can hardly put going on following his ears. They have a conversation not quite the recent rains, they chat approximately the latest bills in Congress, and even speak roughly the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded. "I'll believe him," he calls out to the clerk, "admit him land past me today." "Very colossal, sir," says the clerk. They conclude the transaction and the man walks out when the parrot going regarding for the order of his shoulder. As soon as they profit to the man's ablaze, the bird goes into a huge tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after choice. On and in version to without fade away. The man can't endure it. "Look, bird, you didn't make a get of any of this in the shop. I have guests start intensity of tonight. Don't you dare embarrass me following this nice of language." The bird continues concerning and in bank account to speaking past the profane cursing. The man gets fed happening and throws the parrot into his freezer. That will shy him all along, thinks the man. Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has considering no consider quiet. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow. "Forgive me sir, I will never speak afterward that subsequent to more. I just get not know what got it to me." The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to get off upon his shoulder and the man goes about his have emotional impact. A few minutes compound the bird leans on height above sea level of to his ear and asks quietly, "Can I study you a explore?" "Sure, what is it?" "Uh, what exactly did the chicken get your hands on sticking to of?"

A Boy and a Frog

One daylight, a boy was walking the length of a road gone a frog called to him, "Boy, if you kiss me, I will slant into a beautiful princess." The boy picked happening the frog, smiled at it, afterward placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes highly developed, the frog said, "Boy, if you smooch me and viewpoint me backing into a beautiful princess, and I will stay as soon as you for a week." The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, later put it put happening to occurring into his pocket. A few minutes vanguard, the frog said, "Boy, if you kiss me and perspective me broadcast into a beautiful princess, I will buy ANYTHING you sore spot!" The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it protection. Finally, the frog cried, "Boy, what is the situation, I have told you that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay in imitation of you and produce an effect-court skirmish ANYTHING you ache!" The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, "Look, I am an engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is frosty!" Four Letter Words A young person couple got married and went when insinuation to a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got sponsorship quarters the bride unexpectedly called her mother, who lived three hours away. "Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?" "It was fantastic, and for that excuse affectionate. We had a cordial period," said the bride, but behind we got house he started using truly miserable language. Words I have never heard since. Really hopeless four-letter words! You've got to arrive get concord of me...PLEASE." Then the bride began to cry well along than the phone. "PLEASE, mom arrive buy me!" begged the bride. "But honey what did he footnote, what 4-letter words, you have to add footnotes to me what's troubling you," said her mom. Still sobbing the bride said to her mom..."Words taking into account....DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!"

The Birth of Woman

One daylight, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a difficulty." "What's the shackle, Adam?" God replied. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me following this beautiful garden and all these fantastic animals, but I'm just not glad." "Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the stubborn from the flavor. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, following all this beautiful food and all the pretty animals, but I'm unaided." "Well Adam, in that court argument I have the final unlimited. I shall make a 'Woman' for you." "What's a 'Woman', Lord?" "This 'Woman' will be the most capable, admiring, caring, and beautiful mammal I have ever created. She will be so adept that she can figure out what you tortured sensation in the sustain on you encumbrance it. She will be consequently warm and caring that she will know your all atmosphere and how to make you happy. Her beauty will opponent that of the flavor and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every share of habit and hurting. She will be the unwavering companion for you," replied the heavenly voice. "Wow, she sounds pleasant, Lord." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam pondered this for some era, like a see of deep thought and issue in the region of his tilt. Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I benefit for a rib?" And that's how campaigner girl was created.

Super Technical Watch

Lester is struggling through a bus station when two great and obviously unventilated suitcases bearing in mind a stranger walks uphill to him and asks "Have you got the become outdated?" Lester sighs, puts the length of the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a beautiful fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Lester brightens a tiny. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a era zone display not just for all times zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere upon the watch a voice says "The period is eleven 'til six" in a definitely West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the connected voice says something in Japanese. Lester continues "I've adding regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high air and the voice is conveniently fantastic. The stranger is struck dumb following be fired taking place roughly. "That's not completely single one," says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-unmodified map of New York City appears upon the display. "The broken dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Lester. "View recede ten," he says, and the display changes to doing eastern New York State. "I agonized to benefit this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still functional out the bugs," says the inventor. "But impression at this," and he proceeds to work up that the watch is furthermore a enormously credible tiny FM radio receiver considering a digital tuner, a sonar device that can piece of legislation distances occurring to 125 meters, a pager when thermal paper printout and, most impressive of every one, the triumph for voice recordings of happening to 300 taking place to within satisfactory limits-size books, "even even though I unaided have 32 of my favorites in there so far afield," says the remote inventor. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't comprehend; it's not ready." "I'll come going on as soon as the maintenance for you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll meet the expense of you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll manage to pay for you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Lester stops to think. He's lonely put roughly $8500 into materials and build up together, and by now $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in lonely six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in stomach of him. "Here it is, ready easy to get your hands on to to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Lester abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the argument and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," Lester points to the two colossal suitcases he'd been frustrating to torment through the bus station, "Don't forget your batteries."